In response to a story I told on Reddit, someone once asked me how I reconcile the bad things I’ve done in the Sea Org. My response at the time was along the lines of, I have to reconcile with it every single day but I know that it was something I was groomed to do since I was born.
My main job in the Sea Org for the majority of 11 years, was to recruit people and handle those who wanted to leave. By “handle” I mean keep them from leaving. I have since learned this was a form of human labor trafficking.
I was convinced that we had to do the work we were doing in order to save the planet and every human (spiritual) being on it from mass destruction. I was also convinced that anything in my, or anyone else’s, mind that was telling us we didn’t want to be there was an evil entity trying to get us to abandon our goal to destroy it.
When I finally realized I had been being lied to and abused, I couldn’t help but realize that I had abused others. I’m naturally a decent person who wants nothing but kindness and respect for people. In order to protect myself from the pain of the realization that I actually hurt people, my mind blacked out an entire decade of memories. There was a huge black wall, but I could feel the pressure behind it trying to knock it over. I knew if and when that wall broke, I would be hit with such horror-filled memories of me being an awful person that I wouldn’t be able to live with it.
Eventually the wall did start to crack and memories came seeping through. There are various parts of my after-Sea Org journey that helped that happen, but that’s a story for another time. At one point I tried to end my life because I couldn’t live with myself. Through that experience and the aftermath that followed, I found people and ways to help me heal myself, and it’s brought me to the point where I know that helping to save and heal others is part of what I need to do to save me. It’s what I was trying to do all along despite being misdirected by Scientology.
Yesterday, I was listing to Oh No Nora and Liz on their podcast, and they were talking about some of the girls who worked at Celebrity Centre in the Hubbard Communications Office. My name came up, but luckily I wasn’t one of the ones they called a b*tch.
Nora talked about her experience being considered a suppressive simply for being gay, and her constant desire to escape the Sea Org. She talked about being escorted to the RPF (Rehabilitation Project Force), which was essentially a prison camp, simply for her desire to love an individual of the same sex. My heart hurts for Nora and what we put her through, even if I wasn’t personally a part of that.
My mother was on the RPF before I was born and she told me stories about having to use her hands to dig through and eat leftover slops dumped in a pile after everyone else ate. Stories like this had me terrified to join the Sea Org, but by the time I was a teenager they told me that had all been changed and I trusted them enough to believe it was true.
By the time I was in my 20’s, they had trained me to be an auditor and interrogator, and I worked as an auditor for Sea Org staff. I thought I was helping the staff by listening to their troubles and letting them vent a bit. I was essentially their counselor.
It bothered me that anytime someone came off the RPF and I had to audit them, I’d hear horrific stories of what they went through, and it was my job to find out what criminal activities they were hiding that made them still feel upset about the experience. The truth was, they had a right to feel upset about the experience. They were abused and I compounded the abuse by “helping them realize” it was their fault they were abused in the first place. I will forever be sorry I did this.
In a way, listening to what people had gone through in other parts of the organization (the RPF, International Management, etc.) helped me realize that abuse was rampant everywhere. I still justified it for awhile, but then I heard that several staff had escaped from the Int Base. This led me to finally pushing to get out of there and escaping.
I believe I will be reconciling my bad actions every day for the rest of my life.
Writing these things out for the world to see, whether anyone will actually read them or not, helps. I will need to do more, but for now I just want others who are in the same shoes as mine to know that you can find peace and your bad deeds can be reconciled.
You are truly a good person, and having what LRH calls SP traits likely means you’re actually decent. Of course, only an anti-social personality would attack an organization dedicated to freeing mankind. It’s time to realize that Scientology is not freeing mankind and it’s okay to fight back against abusive actions.
Thank you for hearing me out. I wish you love, and I hope you can find the peace of mind I am slowly learning to have. Be kind to others and, just as importantly, be kind to yourself.